Continuing On...

Before I continue - I'm going to back up a little...

As I mentioned before, I still considered myself a Christian even though I wasn't attending church regularly. I just had a bit of a "whatever" attitude towards the whole religious thing...

I didn't actually start questioning God until I was 23. After years of dealing with "female problems" I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis and told that I may or may not be able to have children. Now my inner drama queen (who is generally very well controlled) immediately jumped on the "not" part. All I had ever truly wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. How could God do this to me? I thought He was a loving god? I thought He took care of his people? Had not going to church regularly for 3 years of our my entire life really warranted something so cruel?

This was when my eyes were really opened to what a terrible state our world is in. If Jesus dying on the cross in the New Testament was to provide forgiveness for all the world's sins and God loves us, then why is the earth in shambles? Why are there children dieing daily from starvation, unclean water, and violence?

Then my inner christian spoke up "How dare you ask such questions?!" "Where is your faith?!" "Look at all the good He has done." "I'm sure there is a reason - I just can't see it." So I quit asking those hard questions. After all, who was I to ask such things? Now I look back on that attitude with disbelief.

Anyways, I digress, needless to say when I got the diagnosis my heart was broken. I felt like defective goods. I had surgery to remove the growth and S & I decided to not - not try to get pregnant.

Each month I would hope, each month I would be disappointed, and each month I would question "why me?" and my inner christian would answer "why not me?" "there is a reason in everything" and yet, unlike before in my life - I found absolutely no peace in this. I only found anger and resentment.

Finally after almost a year - the test was positive. (note - I do not mean to sound all boo hoo here - my heart goes out to all those couples who have tried for years and years - I am simply sharing my story) My inner drama queen finally shut up. I was pregnant! Now what? Oh yeah - breathe.

I think I was about 6-7 months along when it hit me that we were about to bring a little person in to this world. One whom we were responsible for. One whom we would make decisions for - including religious ones - at least when he/she was young.

How in the world can I make that decision when I didn't know for myself? I told myself that I had time...then Bam! Rose was here - after my c-section and her visit to the NICU - she was in my arms. This beautiful, perfect little person. My inner christian then started screaming - "there must be a God!"

The first couple of months I didn't have time to think about anything outside of sleep schedules, nursing and changing diapers. Then my friends who had babies at the same time I did started talking about their children's baptism ceremony.

Hello?! Were we going to have R baptized? This simple yet loaded question brought it all back to the forefront. Time? There is never enough time. R is now 10 months old and I'm still searching. More in earnest than ever. My little girl is one of the most important people in my life - I am privileged to be her mom and I want to be the best that I can be.

I have to be careful though - I will admit that I am a very impressionable person ... my first response is to trust and believe... (ironic, isn't it?) S and I have agreed to read books, listen to debates, etc from both sides - not just agnostics or atheists.

At this point - I am more confused than ever. I know how I feel about organized religion (i.e. church) but that's for another post. I am reading things that contradict the bible. That truly bring it into question. I am reading things that bring Jesus' story into question... So how does faith play into all of this? If God wanted us to blindly believe anything would He have given us a brain? Would He have given us the ability to think about something critically?

Above all I am striving to make an informed decision. So that brings you up to date. What's next? I'm going to read Godless (Dan Barker, a former pastor).

Love,

Camille ~*~